Tuesday, May 30, 2006
well..just to update..attended the worship conference on lsat thursday and friday..well i was just left speechless with the band dynamics..they were just superbly united in everything that they did..even when they had their own individual styles of playing..each of their styles blanded into the team's style and that was made me drool over the whole thing..well beside all their great skills..there was great worship..i thought it was just pure beautiful and the preacher was just straight to the point at how we worshipped God and how we have worshipped God in the wrong way..learnt many things from the conference..definitely would wanna go to next yr's conference if i can get to go..it's just too good to miss..anyway..i kinda regretted not taking the msn from the person..
Your Love falls like the morning dew
|| 5/30/2006 12:10:00 am
Monday, May 29, 2006
4 more days to army!!! hahaha..kinda feeling excited about it..though apprehensive too..coz its just 2 years of my life wasted and could have been put to better use..well thats at least what i think..but well im just gonna try to go in with a positive spirit and hopefully everything turns out for good of those who love Him!! hehe..just hope and pray for me that i can get to make good friends inside and am granted favour with the people there..really hope to come out a better disciplined and more responsible person..and of coz more fit!! hahaha..really hope that i can get to make it to become an officer..if not i will see whats the Lord's plan for me..
Your Love falls like the morning dew
|| 5/29/2006 09:47:00 am
Wednesday, May 24, 2006
ok..as requested..the midi song has been removed!! and yes..i added the ad there at the top left hand corner..haha..help me click that ad..haha..thanks peeps..
Your Love falls like the morning dew
|| 5/24/2006 06:07:00 pm
Wednesday, May 17, 2006
ok..almost a week since i last blog..well..didn't really like blog or anything coz there wasn't much happenings..kinda leading a mundane life..i mean the word slacking just says it right? haha!! 2 more weeks before im heading to tekong chalet..im kinda looking forward to it coz i can't wait to look better..hahahah..funny..but the other part of me doesn't wanna go coz its really just wasting 2yrs of my time..well..im just trying to go in there with a positive attitude as much as possible..whether that changes when im in there..im not sure (i think it will after all the sufferings), but well..im just gonna take things in my stride..anyway went to collect my pay..haha..yes i was given pay even though i just worked not more than 2 weeks? hahaha..and well..i was definitely surprised when i recieved the money coz it wasn't what i expected and all..so yeah..was just smiling to myself all the way back home..haha..that much money after all that slacking..haha!! well..im not gonna like reveal how much i got..but it was definitely much more than i expected and im glad and very happy..and definitely thankful to God for the timely provision! heh..gotta go peeps..lite grp time..
Your Love falls like the morning dew
|| 5/17/2006 08:27:00 pm
Thursday, May 11, 2006
i was like doing my devotion last night..then i was thinking on how hard i have like tried on doing certain things recently..but i told God i really give up trying already..it was as if there really is no point in trying to and somehow i don't see a point in trying anymore..but apparently this give up attitude didn't like bring me any condemnation..you know like normally you give up on something you tend to either feel guilty about not achieving it and wanna leave it in God's hands but in the end you still wanna cling onto it..hoping that you can like do something about it..but apparently yesterday when i told God that im like gonna give up and just leave it into His hands..i just felt so peaceful..so light about everything that i know that no matter what happens..i cannot cling onto it..neither should i hinder God's plans and His work in my life..it should be that i should trust Him completely..and clinging onto it shows my mis-trust for His perfect will in my life only..really thank God for showing the grace needed time again..
Your Love falls like the morning dew
|| 5/11/2006 04:18:00 pm
Wednesday, May 10, 2006
recently i have been toying with an idea that if God gave me a chance to change something in my life, to even turn back time on something so that i can make a better decision, what would i wanna change? at which period of my life would i wanna turn back time? i just sat there thinking..thinking of the many events that have happened in my life..kinda took my awhile..it was as though i was just walking down memory lane..the good times, the bad times..it was as if i was playing my life out on a movie..just that i had only finished the first 20minutes and there's still long way to go..
guess what? after all that thinking..i finally told God..Lord that even if You gave me a chance to change something, to turn back time on..i wouldn't do anything..i am happy as who i am..though there are certain parts of me that i wanna change..better looking (i always thought i look ugly), a better attitude towards certain things, more God-fearing, etc etc etc..but i am really happy for what God has made me to be..i guess if i have been made better looking i would have been a big flirt..a playboy maybe? if God had created me to have a better attitude towards certain stuffs..i would have told myself that maybe God is not needed in my life and i would have went my own way..if i was created to be have been more God-fearing, i could have walked away from God when i am tempted in the flesh..but now that im not as God-fearing as i want to be..i realise that by my own strength, by my own i cannot do anything..and i need to seek God even more to draw closer towards Him..i would be more God-fearing this way..
looking back at the decisions that i have made..i have made many good decisions..but nonetheless i have even more bad ones..ones that i regretted then and even some now..looking at how stupid i was to even make such a bad decision..how i relied on my own understanding to make those decisions..but thinking it through..i have come to the realisation that through the good and bad, God has brought me through it all..He never promised a life without storms..but i know He promised a boat that never sinks..its a promise that i have laid hold off ever since i knew about it..few big decisions recently..some good, some bad (really bad ones..guess i will never make any worst choice), others not made yet still awaiting answer from God..
now the question put to you..are you toying with the idea of asking God to change certain things in your life..to turn back time on certain decisions that have been made? why not take a walk down memory lane..i guess you would be surprise how God has brought you through it all..and you will start looking at your circumstances in a different perspective..God's perspective..no doubt it looks stupid at times..feels silly at other times..but lets not be intellectual and start following that still voice that guides us..
Your Love falls like the morning dew
|| 5/10/2006 10:52:00 pm
Monday, May 08, 2006
ok..i have finally decided to get this blog back up..at least until before i get enlisted into the army..for the people who don't know..im enlisting into tekong chalet on 3rd june 2006! hahaha..im like kinda looking forward to you yet apprehensive about it too..why looking forward to it? coz i think its gonna make me a better person both physically and mentally which is gonna be real beneficial to me..but on the other hand im kinda apprehensive coz there is the certainty of me becoming a different person..you know how foul the language is inside and i really can't help to think that i would be heavily influenced by it inside..oh well..the pros and cons of army..
well..i think this is gonna be a really really long post coz there has been so much that happened during the past 3 months and i really dunno how to summarise all of it..but well..i will just share the important stuffs..if not i will just post another time..i can assure you that its gonna be a real lengthy read though..so be prepared!! very prepapred! ahha!
for the past few months i have been kinda thinking of what's gonna happen in the future and im figured it would be like:
1. Enroll into a local uni then try for NIE
2. Go australia and try to get advance standing, then come back apply for NIE
3. Go bible school
well..bible school is definitely on my plans..its just a sooner or later thing..but i really dunno what its gonna be like after NS..everything just seems so uncertain and i dun like that feeling..the feeling of uncertainty..i just hate that feeling..i always like to be assured of something..and now the uncertainty..it just irks to the core and i cant help worrying about it..freaking out more likely..but its really difficult..how sometimes when im told trust in God..to not lean on my own understanding..to acknowledge Him in all my ways..but the thing is really..how can i do that? every part of me is just pulling me apart and i cant seem to focus on God and am just in a daze over everything..im trying to make my own decisions and once i think i have managed to solve a problem..another one pops out..could be a major one even..its just a vicous cycle which i cant break lose..
i managed to find a job say abt 3 weeks after exam..to be a telemarketer selling credit cards for DBS..in the 1-2 weeks i worked there i realised that:
1. work is tough
2. the world is corrupted with money and power
3. the losers end up with nothing
it was never easy to be a telemarketer in the first place and i thought i could put up with the challenge of it..but apparently their pay system was too complicated for comprehension..so with the advice of my dad i decided to resign..i didn't even know why i wanted to resign..i so wanted to earn some extra cash to tide myself through at least until my enlistment..but i just couldn't find the strength to go through it..my dad was also worried about my relationship with God being strained by the long working hours (i have to stay back in the office if i cant meet the quota and i still got church commitments)..well i dun even know if i made the right decision to quit even..coz the problem of me quitting was that i got idle and stayed at home..
quite some time back i went on a fast to rid myself of a particular temptation..its been with me for many years..and at that point of time..i told myself that i really needed to get it off me once and for all..never for it to come back..so with the fast that i made myself go through..i really thought i got a breakthrough..but it apparently came back so strongly when i resign..and this has recently coz my walk with God to stagnate..and i must say i think its even in a decline right now..and i really don't know what to do..and just to make matters worst..1-2 weeks ago..i din see eye to eye with my dad over certain things..and really at that particular point of my life..i really thought it was just the lowest point of my life..in the dumps and i really couldn't careless about anything else..somehow my heart just hardened against everything else..i literally broke down and cry..God why why why? i know you din promise life to be without storms..but at that point of time i really thought my ship broke a hole and is about to sink..i think i had just lost all faith..all hope inside of me..i also felt a particular friend drawing away from me..though im not mentioning who..but i felt bad..not bad as in i did anything wrong..but i wanted to know this person better..and just the occasional cold shoulder just put me back..then just a little by little i just really gave up all hope..
i thinkt he past 3 weeks the stuffs that i have went through was really just too much to bear..of course its umcomparable to what Job suffered..but it was about the same..it was almost all the same time..bang bang bang..it just got me off my balance on my walk with God..feeling broken would be an understatement to what i felt..drifted away would be an understatement in my walk with God..more like turned 180degrees and started walking in the other direction..
its been quite some time since i had felt the closeness of God..i have always like told God..i really need You to be tangible so that i can just embrace in my times of despair..if not provide someone along my path to be that..to be the one that You can show Your tangible love through to me..it wasn't just a desperate cry from me to God..it became a PATHETICALLY desperate cry..come to think of it now..it was like a pity party..but the only thing about this party was that only me myself and i attended it..
i don't even know why i really blog all that down..even when i was typing i just couldn't help feeling my emotions just welling up like tears in my eyes like that..the emotional anguish and all that was just real hard to bear..i think i almost slipped into depression..and really..i really thought i did..coz i had lost hope in everything that i had hoped for..everything that i had yearned for..it was like nothing mattered to me anymore..i had really wished someone would come and rescue me from where i was..but apparently im still trying to bring myself out of it all..
to the people who are reading this..please really do keep me in your prayers..i really don't think i can bring myself out of it all..i need God..but the thing now is that my head has taken over to tell me that i have lost hope in God..pray for God's deliverance for me..cant fake myself to be even happy now..but anyway thanks to the people who are keeping in my your prayers..pray especially i dun harden my heart towards anything..especially God..
Your Love falls like the morning dew
|| 5/08/2006 09:54:00 pm